badfic_reloaded | [Museboxing Truth Week]

[Museboxing Truth Week]

[He still doesn't really understand the concepts of this place. But then again, he's never understand the world all that much before ending up here. Maybe that soft ping in his head didn't make him better but worse, and maybe Meg is currently wiping drool from his catatonic body.

Again.

On the other hand, he can't exactly say he's been trying too hard. Castiel has been allowing for his mind to tumble as he met people, surveyed the premises, searched the garden for bees. How long he's been here, he doesn't really know. And frankly, he barely even cares.

The edge of the lake is beautiful, serene, and Castiel doesn't look up when someone approaches. Instead he says the first honest thing that comes to mind, which strikes him as strange, because he usually lets it tumble far away from things he doesn't want to contemplate.]

I, I don't think I like lakes very much anymore.

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Why would I? I drowned in one.

[Castiel looks up at Dean. It's still strange to see him. Before he woke up here, Castiel had been alone. Well, there had been Meg, and Lucifer on occasion. He might as well have been alone.]

[...oh. Right. Keeping it simple like that would be what he would like to say. instead what comes from him is...] I thought you'd find all the nature of it 'fascinating' or some crap. That, and I try not think about having to fish your damned coat from that place.

... I hate this week.

[Cas looks down at the trench coat he's wearing over his white scrubs, and involuntarily pulls it a little closer. Such a human gesture. He's picked up many of those.]

You would. And I try not to think about it either. It's very unpleasant. The part where the Leviathans ripped out of me, not... not the part where you took the coat.

...I could guess that's what you meant was unpleasant, Cas.

Daphne was fairly pleasant, all things considered. I would have preferred to be put back with her. I appreciate what Meg does for me. But. Dean. Do you understand how ugly demons are?

... [you get a flat face] Dude, who the hell are you talking to? Of course I do - I did the whole "last twenty four hours close to death peircing the veil" thing. And the hell thing. [It was a tiny bit testy, but this topic plus the fact he can't lie? that is a recipie for testy. Sorry, Cas.]

Edited 2012-07-23 23:36 (UTC)

[Well, look at his mind flopping over itself there. Hasn't he mentioned lately that he does not like to think about the bad things? Lucifer forces those topics often enough, when Castiel can convince himself the Devil is a piece of Sam's insanity, now his own. Certainly not real.]

I, I know, Dean. I apologize. Invoking those memories was not... my intention.

[He sighs, heavily.] I know. I know.

[there's that urge. Fight it. fight iiit. Nope, not happening.] But you should know by now I get way too oversensitive about the shit I don't want to talk about by now. [Damn it.]

I, I'm not as good at keeping... all the important facts on the forefront. I mean. I try not to think about the bad things. Obviously. The therapist suggesting putting things in boxes. Labelled good. And bad. Sometimes I mix them up and forget to keep something in mind. Do you still have nightmares? I can make sure you don't, you know?

[His eyes are darting back and forth as he rambles, mind struggling to get a grasp on anything until he finally reaches out and puts a hand on Dean's shoulder to offer awkward, but well-intended comfort.]

['No. I'm fine. They're okay now.' Such a simple three statements.

...And yet B|] ...I still wake up most nights trying not to scream. The content of them changes now, not always my experiences of hell, but they're only getting worse.

[Oh, no, Dean. That's not enough.] ...the alcohol doesn't chase them away anymore, either.

Dean. I do not approve of you trying to destroy that body. It was very difficult to put it back together. Very... minute, precise work. [Get a little frown of disapproval there, Dean. And then a huff.] Your abuse of alcohol to cope with, with memories, it did not use to be quite this bad.

'm not trying to destroy it.

No, It didn't. I know it's been worse, and I don't care. [He stares out across the lake. There was another time like this - different lake and very different cas, though. Simpler times, too, though they didn't feel it.] I't all that gets me through some goddamned days.

That. That is unacceptable. You need to be better. Not worse.

...Maybe I could start getting bettter, If I could catch a goddamned break. All I'm getting at the minute is old, tired, and the urge to say screw it all.

[Castiel pauses, fidgets, falters just shy of saying something. He is stubborn and he used to have an iron will, but the truth is plucked from the core of his fragmented mind more easily than he feels comfortable with. He is growing to dislike this week, too.]

For what, what little it's worth, Dean, I am sorry for destroying everything. I know I, I only served part of the purpose for having been brought back.

[It's why he was brought back, to fix his messes. Fix Sam, fix Dean, fix the Leviathans, fix himself if necessary. His fingers twitch in the grass. He's restless, wants to take flight and has trouble not giving in to the desire. He shies away from conflict, and truth? That has a tendency to stir conflict between him and Dean, rightfully so.]

I know. I forgave you for it. Probably earlier than I want to admit to even myself, despite the crap I gave about doing it because we were probably about to die. [Because forgiving him had been like admitting he was gone. There was a part of him that hoped otherwise, obviously, or he would have got rid of the coat, too.]

Again?

[Castiel sounds amused, except there is a hollowness in his voice. He shakes his head though.]

The last thing I recall before coming here, is... is that maybe you would come back. There was a ping, in my head, and I felt... lighter. Not as prone to fits of hysteria, I believe. I, I thought maybe you'd have need of me again.

Dude, I've always needed you. You were... are my best friend. Family.

...The few of us that're left.

[Take all you can get, Dean. Even when you have thousands of brothers and sisters, sometimes you'd much rather just have this little dysfunctional heap.]

I would choose you and Sam over Heaven anytime again, Dean. We've been through much together, you and I and him.

[He falls silent for a moment, though not entirely. You can just hear him murmuring under his breath, trying the roll of 'Cas Winchester' or 'Castiel Winchester' on his lips. Before long, he pauses, and looks over again.]

I, I can't fight anymore. But I can... perch, though the notion is somewhat insulting. I will... take away your alcohol.

[Cas saying he'd choose them again brings a small smile to his lips.]

Thanks, Cas. And we have. I'm... glad it was you that was sent. You know... for me.

[He can't stop a small amount of panic settle in at Cas's last offer. Without alcohol... How will he sleep? How will he cope? all of the bad shit rattling around in his head, everything bad, the alcohol keeps it quiet. Easier to deal with. Numbs it.]No, you can't. I need it. [It's bad enough that he actually used the word need, without the small pleading tone that crept it's way in there.]

Edited (...That was not the icon I thought it was...) 2012-07-24 14:06 (UTC)

[Castiel was one of many, but he likes that Dean has learnt some faith even in the face of Castiel's own shortcomings. Faith in him. It's a strange concept, and Castiel wants to shy away from it. It's just his luck that Dean soldiers on to bigger topics, letting the conversation slip away from his wayward angel.]

I disagree with that assessment. You need... your brother. And your mother. [Because she's actually here, unlike Sam. Castiel frowns for a moment, then finally nods, accepting something in his head.] And me. Bees, possibly, flowers, definitely. Pie, absolutely. See, this is a very short, memorable list. I, I don't see alcohol on that list.

Yeah, the list. The list is mostly right... Not that I see how I need bees and flowers, but whatever. I'll roll with it. But alcohol should be on that list. Makes things easier.

To some extent, Dean. Don't you think... I've lost enough, too?

[His life, several times, his Grace, almost, his brothers, plenty of them, his friendships, all in one fell swoop, his sanity, maybe for good.]

You... you can't just go and... and go places I can't follow. [We can go out in a blaze of glory, but drink your health and mind away.] I. I. Meg is better. At speeches like this.

Edited 2012-07-24 14:51 (UTC)

Hell yeah. And you could have ended up a goddamned booze hound fueled by drugs and sex. [It then occurs to him... all he had said to Cas about that possible future was 'never change'.] It wasn't a good look for you Cas. Too hippy. [and heartbreaking. but hippy is true, and he'll stick with that.]

...what do you mean? I'm always somewhere you can follow. Hell, this is proof of that - another goddamned world, and you're still stuck with me. [Because that is a bad thing. If it wasn't for him in the first place, pushing you, trying to make you care, you wouldn't be broken now.]

You know, not that I have any intention of, you know, becoming like that. But it strikes me as odd that you would not encourage such behaviour at least to some extent. Are you not cheering Sam on, whenever the woman does not happen to be a literal demon?

[Castiel shakes his head.]

I, I prefer it. A lot. To solitude. I just... all this time, I just wanted to come home. [So maybe he sounds a bit childlike and lost with that sentence. Home isn't a physical place for him. Home used to be the Host, but the Host has not been Home in a long time. Home is the small of fuel and leather, discussing translations with Sam, trying to look stern while Dean goads him to try the pie. That's home. He just wants to come home again.] Psychiatric wards are, are unpleasant places, Dean. It was good you got Sam out. No alcohol, Dean. I mean it. I will tell the bees. And your mother.

Dude, I took you to a... 'den of inequity'. The world was ending, and you suggested 'imbibing copious amounts of alcohol'. I think my work here is done.

Plus, that version of you... well, I don't want you to end up like that.

They suck, I know. But I didn't get him out - you got him out. If you hadn't been there... I would have lost him. [it hurts to admit, both to himself and out loud, but it's true. He couldn't have done a damned thing. And as for 'Emmanuel'... Well, there had been a part of him, the part clinging to the anger and the hurt because it was better than the alternative, that had told him that Cas didn't deserve that life.

...now he's forgiven him, now that he's been reduced to this, more than a small part of him thinks slightly differently.

And he sighs.] You don't know what you're asking me to give up. ...but okay. If nothing else? Because my mom's scarier than a bunch of damned bees. [He doesn't think his mom knows just how much he drank. He'd... kind of like to keep it that way.]

Bees are very pleasant creatures. And I will be there to, to help with your dreams. You deserve to be saved, remember?

[Again and again and again, regardless of the cost. Castiel will never stop saving you, and he will never stop breaking if that's what it takes.]

I, I would not have gotten Sam out if not for you, of course. I feel like I should have made sure Daphne was alright, though. She was less thorny than Meg. You would not have liked her much, though. Too religious, I suppose. I am very grateful you are willing to let me aid you with the alcohol. Even if I can understand the fascination. It was good to drink that liquor store at the time. Oh. I forgot.

[Castiel doesn't really know how hugs work, but hey, he gives it his best, like a child happily clinging to its favourite stuffed animal.]

[He even hugs back, though not quite with as much enthusiasm. He's not a hugger, Cas, although he does appreciate the gesture. Try Sam instead if he gets here. But have an awkward pat on the back in the meantime.

And then...] Cas... appreciated... but... I need air. [Because you're clinging, and it's starting to hurt. He even tries to step out of the hold.]

So you say. I don't see it. I'm not a good person, not really, and I'm pretty damned sure you got the label wrong with the 'righteous' thing.

...Fascination. [He huffs] You say it like I'm seventeen and sneaking into a bar with a fake ID. There's no fascination. I function, but I'm just an alcoholic- [And his hand goes up to his mouth like he can shove the words back in with the action.]

Edited 2012-07-25 11:11 (UTC)

[Castiel shakes his head, wringing his hands in his lap a little, shoulders slumped.]

And I am, apparently, an insane nuisance. According to everyone else. We all have our flaws. Humans, more than most. But... you can't just see the bad. I see it all, and I, I come to judge it worthy. Personally. Then again, what does my opinion really matter. Are you an alcoholic? If my grasp of the term is correct, then yes. But you are not just an alcoholic. You're like... an onion. There are layers. Not all of them flattering. But. Uhm.

[He stops there, and his face takes on that certain quality, as if he's unaware of where he is or where his thoughts were going. He believes in Dean with every fiber of his being, but there is not much left of him either.]

I, I don't think I like lakes very much anymore.

You said.

You're not a nuisance. You can be irritating as hell sometimes, but that's mostly when you're on three topics a goddamned second. Or when we've already had a conversation twice or more. But that's just because I'm impatient, although I know I should try to be a bit more patient as I'm the one that broke you in the first place.

No, you didn't. You left me behind, after I broke myself. And. [Don't make him feel guilty, don't make him feel guilty.] ... And I had trouble dealing with that. Waiting every day to know if I was well enough to be picked up again, like, like a disobedient dog. But. I know it was for the best. I mean. I saw how Sam was. You could not take me with you. But. That's all you did wrong. You did not.... break me. I did that myself. It's better this way, now.

The ward was the safest place at the time, or we would have taken you with us.

[He shakes his head, chuckling - though, the chuckling is humourless, the tone sad] You make an angel care, it breaks them. You wouldn't be like this if you hadn't met me. I pushed you to care.... you broke.

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[Museboxing Truth Week]

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..Is it bad I want him to do that to make Dean go through withdrawls? XD

I'd love that. We should plot in that direction for when I app, yes?

Yesssssss.

It shall happen. All the bromance feels.

Yes. The bromance ;;

This thread is just FEELS, ALL THE FEELS, lighthea- NO ACTUALLY STILL FEELS

IT IS... ALL THE EPIC FEELS.

Re: IT IS... ALL THE EPIC FEELS.

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