[Museboxing Truth Week]

[betterthisway]

[He still doesn't really understand the concepts of this place. But then again, he's never understand the world all that much before ending up here. Maybe that soft ping in his head didn't make him better but worse, and maybe Meg is currently wiping drool from his catatonic body.

Again.

On the other hand, he can't exactly say he's been trying too hard. Castiel has been allowing for his mind to tumble as he met people, surveyed the premises, searched the garden for bees. How long he's been here, he doesn't really know. And frankly, he barely even cares.

The edge of the lake is beautiful, serene, and Castiel doesn't look up when someone approaches. Instead he says the first honest thing that comes to mind, which strikes him as strange, because he usually lets it tumble far away from things he doesn't want to contemplate.]

I, I don't think I like lakes very much anymore.

Comments

Yes. The bromance ;;

[has_a_phd_in_teddybear]

Hell yeah. And you could have ended up a goddamned booze hound fueled by drugs and sex. [It then occurs to him... all he had said to Cas about that possible future was 'never change'.] It wasn't a good look for you Cas. Too hippy. [and heartbreaking. but hippy is true, and he'll stick with that.]

...what do you mean? I'm always somewhere you can follow. Hell, this is proof of that - another goddamned world, and you're still stuck with me. [Because that is a bad thing. If it wasn't for him in the first place, pushing you, trying to make you care, you wouldn't be broken now.]

This thread is just FEELS, ALL THE FEELS, lighthea- NO ACTUALLY STILL FEELS

[betterthisway]

You know, not that I have any intention of, you know, becoming like that. But it strikes me as odd that you would not encourage such behaviour at least to some extent. Are you not cheering Sam on, whenever the woman does not happen to be a literal demon?

[Castiel shakes his head.]

I, I prefer it. A lot. To solitude. I just... all this time, I just wanted to come home. [So maybe he sounds a bit childlike and lost with that sentence. Home isn't a physical place for him. Home used to be the Host, but the Host has not been Home in a long time. Home is the small of fuel and leather, discussing translations with Sam, trying to look stern while Dean goads him to try the pie. That's home. He just wants to come home again.] Psychiatric wards are, are unpleasant places, Dean. It was good you got Sam out. No alcohol, Dean. I mean it. I will tell the bees. And your mother.

IT IS... ALL THE EPIC FEELS.

[has_a_phd_in_teddybear]

Dude, I took you to a... 'den of inequity'. The world was ending, and you suggested 'imbibing copious amounts of alcohol'. I think my work here is done.

Plus, that version of you... well, I don't want you to end up like that.

They suck, I know. But I didn't get him out - you got him out. If you hadn't been there... I would have lost him. [it hurts to admit, both to himself and out loud, but it's true. He couldn't have done a damned thing. And as for 'Emmanuel'... Well, there had been a part of him, the part clinging to the anger and the hurt because it was better than the alternative, that had told him that Cas didn't deserve that life.

...now he's forgiven him, now that he's been reduced to this, more than a small part of him thinks slightly differently.

And he sighs.] You don't know what you're asking me to give up. ...but okay. If nothing else? Because my mom's scarier than a bunch of damned bees. [He doesn't think his mom knows just how much he drank. He'd... kind of like to keep it that way.]

Re: IT IS... ALL THE EPIC FEELS.

[betterthisway]

Bees are very pleasant creatures. And I will be there to, to help with your dreams. You deserve to be saved, remember?

[Again and again and again, regardless of the cost. Castiel will never stop saving you, and he will never stop breaking if that's what it takes.]

I, I would not have gotten Sam out if not for you, of course. I feel like I should have made sure Daphne was alright, though. She was less thorny than Meg. You would not have liked her much, though. Too religious, I suppose. I am very grateful you are willing to let me aid you with the alcohol. Even if I can understand the fascination. It was good to drink that liquor store at the time. Oh. I forgot.

[Castiel doesn't really know how hugs work, but hey, he gives it his best, like a child happily clinging to its favourite stuffed animal.]

[has_a_phd_in_teddybear]

[He even hugs back, though not quite with as much enthusiasm. He's not a hugger, Cas, although he does appreciate the gesture. Try Sam instead if he gets here. But have an awkward pat on the back in the meantime.

And then...] Cas... appreciated... but... I need air. [Because you're clinging, and it's starting to hurt. He even tries to step out of the hold.]

So you say. I don't see it. I'm not a good person, not really, and I'm pretty damned sure you got the label wrong with the 'righteous' thing.

...Fascination. [He huffs] You say it like I'm seventeen and sneaking into a bar with a fake ID. There's no fascination. I function, but I'm just an alcoholic- [And his hand goes up to his mouth like he can shove the words back in with the action.]

[betterthisway]

[Castiel shakes his head, wringing his hands in his lap a little, shoulders slumped.]

And I am, apparently, an insane nuisance. According to everyone else. We all have our flaws. Humans, more than most. But... you can't just see the bad. I see it all, and I, I come to judge it worthy. Personally. Then again, what does my opinion really matter. Are you an alcoholic? If my grasp of the term is correct, then yes. But you are not just an alcoholic. You're like... an onion. There are layers. Not all of them flattering. But. Uhm.

[He stops there, and his face takes on that certain quality, as if he's unaware of where he is or where his thoughts were going. He believes in Dean with every fiber of his being, but there is not much left of him either.]

I, I don't think I like lakes very much anymore.

[has_a_phd_in_teddybear]

You said.

You're not a nuisance. You can be irritating as hell sometimes, but that's mostly when you're on three topics a goddamned second. Or when we've already had a conversation twice or more. But that's just because I'm impatient, although I know I should try to be a bit more patient as I'm the one that broke you in the first place.

[betterthisway]

No, you didn't. You left me behind, after I broke myself. And. [Don't make him feel guilty, don't make him feel guilty.] ... And I had trouble dealing with that. Waiting every day to know if I was well enough to be picked up again, like, like a disobedient dog. But. I know it was for the best. I mean. I saw how Sam was. You could not take me with you. But. That's all you did wrong. You did not.... break me. I did that myself. It's better this way, now.

[has_a_phd_in_teddybear]

The ward was the safest place at the time, or we would have taken you with us.

[He shakes his head, chuckling - though, the chuckling is humourless, the tone sad] You make an angel care, it breaks them. You wouldn't be like this if you hadn't met me. I pushed you to care.... you broke.